Thursday, May 14, 2009

“Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your neighbor.It makes you shoot at your landlord and it makes you miss him.”

While sitting – and waiting – for an appointment, Alice picks up a magazine from the metal shelf in the room. Another five minutes. Alice is now sitting, waiting, and reading about the uses of elderberry wine. One could drink it or better yet, according to the article, one should use it as a face wash. . . with rosewater.

Apparently, this is an ancient way of keeping one’s face youthful. Well, Alice doesn’t really follow beauty trends, especially here in the rabbit hole where things generally have an unusual look. But she does find herself in a liquor store one afternoon and remembers the article. No sooner does she walk into the wine section than an employee looks her over, decides that she knows nothing about booze (unlike Alice’s sister, Not Alice, who knows everything ... well that’s neither here nor there) and offers his help.

EMPLOYEE: What can I do you for?

ALICE: That doesn’t make sense, you know. But if you are asking do I need help in finding something then, yes, it’s elderberry wine.

EMPLOYEE: What? Elderberry wine? Well, if we have any it would be found way over on the other side of the store. So, go there.

Once there, another helpful employee approaches Alice.

: Please. You cannot do me for. I want to see a bottle of elderberry wine.

: Elderberry wine? Well, if we have any, it would be found way over on the other side of the store. So, go there.

ALICE: Very amusing. Your colleague over there has just sent me here to find the wine. But I do like your shtick. The two of you have worked it out well. Vegas beckons.

: Oh. Well, let’s see. What kind of wine is it? Elderberry wine? What is it made of?

ALICE: Elderberry. Which is a surprise, I know.

: Well, I don’t know anything about it.

ALICE: Sorry. I just thought you would have been some sort of sommelier, you know?

: Some-a-what?

: Well. Wine expert. That’s what I need right now, but never mind.

The store’s manager comes up to them and announces that they do not carry elderberry wine.

MANAGER: Why it’s been years since I’ve seen that wine. Your best bet is to travel to the South. One of the stores in the South might carry it.

ALICE: I see. A store in the South. Any particular place in the South?

MANAGER: Well. Um. Well, not really. I just think. . . everywhere.

ALICE: Alrighty. Thanks for your help.

MANAGER: Wait! There’s a better idea, though. You could make it. Make your own elderberry wine!

: I see. Just go to the South, and make wine.

MANAGER: Yeah. That’s my advice. Go and make your own elderberry wine. Glad to have helped.

As Alice leaves the store EMPLOYEE #2 is admiring the manager for his wine expertise.

: Why, Tom, you’re a regular some-a-something. MISS! What is that s word again?

ALICE: Somnambulist.

: Yep, that’s it! You’re just a somnambulist, and don’t you know it.

MANAGER: Well, yeah, I try.


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