Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Feel the Burn

Earlier, I went to sign up at the local gym and Wonder Woman was the person who took all my information. Then she turned me over to Blackbeard the Pirate who tried to sell me on the idea of hiring a personal trainer for ten weeks.

PIRATE: Hey! First, how often have you ever worked out in a gym?
ALICE: Um...never.
PIRATE: Well, how often have you ever worked out...not in a gym?
ALICE: Never.
PIRATE: Hmm. Well, how often have you just done a little exercise?
ALICE: That would be...never.
PIRATE: Have you ever just stood in a gym?
ALICE: Only today. Hang on, though! I am sitting not standing, so the answer is...never. Are you getting the whole picture?
PIRATE: Yeah. Okay. Well, why now? Why are you in this gym?
ALICE: Oh, I don't know, really. Sometimes there are no good answers to questions, you know? For example, has anyone ever come up with an acceptable response to, Why is a raven like a writing desk? Heck, no. Let me tell you, if I knew all the answers I would lead a different life, eh?
ALICE: Never mind.

So, it was decided that I should have a trainer help me, for a little while anyway, because left on my own, I would probably just do two jumping jacks and call it a day. After that I was turned over to Beelzebub, who explained all the small print and then handed me a pen.

BEELZEBUB: Now sign here for me, sweetie. Sign here and forfeit your soul to me!
ALICE: You people do take halloween a little too seriously around here, yes?
BEELZEBUB: Just sign on the dotted line, already!

I did. I was also a bit worried that I would need to give blood to seal the deal, but Beelzebub didn't bring it up and I wasn't going to remind him. As I left, Little Red Riding Hood was standing by the door with her basket filled with candy.

Honestly! As if trying to tempt me with sweets while I was at the gym was a good thing. I didn't cave, thank you very much.

I waited until I was a block away before I looked for a drugstore to buy chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

I'm seeing the trainer on Saturday. She'll know what to do with me.

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