Thursday, October 26, 2006

Take Two Aspirins

I am always learning on the job, every single time.

One first phone call of the day was from a patient I knew was expected to come into the office later in the afternoon. It was news to him.

PATIENT: Hey, I want to cancel my appointment for tomorrow, alright?
ALICE: Your appointment is for today.
PATIENT: No, it isn't, it's for tomorrow. I wrote it down. Here it is, yeah, it's at 2:00 on Thursday.
ALICE: Well, today IS Thursday.

Then I hear him shout to someone.

PATIENT: Ma! Did you know today was Thursday?
MA: Wha? Yeah, I did!
PATIENT: Why didn't you tell me?
MA: What am I, your mother?
PATIENT: Yeah you are! Cut it out, Ma!

After Alice, patient, and Ma get all this sorted out, the phone rings again. It's from a young woman who wanted to leave a message for one of the doctors. Apparently she had forgotten to tell the doctor about one long-standing problem she has been having for weeks.

It seems that every morning at 5 a.m., this patient wakes up burning hot. So hot that she is sizzling. So hot that she wakes up her boyfriend.

HOT PATIENT: So, what do you think this is?
ALICE: I can't answer that, I really don't know.
HOT PATIENT: Well, you know, my boyfriend always says, why are you so freakin' hot?
ALICE: And he doesn't mean it in the good sense.
HOT PATIENT: Yeah! Exactly!
ALICE: Well, I'll leave a note for the doctor and...
HOT PATIENT: Wait, I haven't finished telling you.
ALICE: There's more?
HOT PATIENT: Yeah, I am so hot that I jump up from the bed and tear off my clothes.

At this point, I wanted to ask something along the lines of, and does hot sex ensue?

But, I am at the doctor's office and I do have to maintain a professional demeanor, and why is the boyfriend annoyed?

I promised Hot Patient that I would leave an EXPLICIT note for the doctor and moved on to another call. Apparently, people are asking for me by name because...well, I don't know why they want to talk to me.

This third patient starts out with a lowered voice.

THIRD PATIENT: Hi, sweetheart. You know, I feel like I can confide in you.
ALICE: Oh, well, please don't that.
THIRD PATIENT: Oh, no, sweetheart, it's important that a patient feel comfortable and I do. But, listen, I seem to have a problem with going.
ALICE: Going? Where?
THIRD PATIENT: You know. To the potty.
THIRD PATIENT: Yeah, sweetheart, sometimes it seems like it's stuck. You know, in there. And no matter what I do, it won't come out.

Well, I never wanted to be a doctor. And now I really know why.

THIRD PATIENT: Sweetheart. My late grandma had a recipe for this. She told people in her village who had this problem to swallow a tablespoon of oil. Wait a bit. Try again. That's all. Do you think I should do this?

I promised Third Patient that I would leave an EXPLICIT note for the doctor.

Yes, yes, I am learning plenty on the job.

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