Tuesday, October 03, 2006

There's No Business Like...

I went out yesterday morning and when I returned four hours later, I found that my street had been transformed into a movie set. Oh, I thought to myself, another movie is being filmed. Another f@#$%^& movie. But I just wanted to get to the apartment so I didn't stop to gawk as other people were doing. Traffic was stopped on the surrounding streets and cars were honking. Buses were honking. Taxis were honking. Even people who didn't have vehicles were honking. Well, it sounded like it anyway. I was walking quickly when I was stopped by a young man who waved a small orange flag in my face.

YOUNG MAN: Miss, you can't walk down this street. Thank you.
ALICE: Sorry, no can do, I want...
YOUNG MAN: MISS! This street is closed to pedestrians. PLEASE!
ALICE: Look, I live in that apartment building there. So I will walk down this street because as far as I can see, no filming is happening at the moment, so I'll just dash in and that will be that.

My logic was impeccable, apparently, so he let me go.

I was stopped three more times. How much do these little orange-flag-waving minions earn, anyway? It seems like fun. You get to boss people around with an air of fast paced authority, AND you get to wave little orange flags . I mean, just think of the power.

When I almost reach the front door of my apartment, another flag waver is blocking the door. I look at him and start to tell him that I just want to go inside, when I hear a bellow from across the street: GET THOSE PEOPLE AWAY FROM THIS AREA, NOW!

Well, there weren't "those" people in the area. Just me. Is Megaphone Guy insinuating that I'm as big as a house? That my one little body looks like a crowd, a herd of bison, from across the street?

Fortunately, the doorman came to my rescue; he opened the door, grabbed my hand and pulled me inside.

DOORMAN: We're prisoners here, Alice.
ALICE: Gah! It's always something, isn't it?
DOORMAN: Well, it's a big budget movie, you know. It's gonna be called I am Legend. It's a remake of the Omega Man. Remember that movie from the 70's? The one that Charleston Heston was in?
ALICE: Oh, wow, another remake. Hollywood is really firing up those brain cells.
DOORMAN: It stars Will Smith, you know.

I kept on hearing all the pissed-off drivers honking non-stop, and I could see the impenetrable traffic bottleneck through the glass doors. Plus I could hear Megaphone Guy shrieking orders.

ALICE: Will Smith, eh? Well, when it's over, I hope that he remembers how to do that deneuralizing thingy. Or he could ask Harry Potter how to obliviate.

DOORMAN: Yeah, whatever...

So when I reach the apartment, Deacon is home and I tell him about the stuff happening outside.

DEACON: Oh, I was wondering what all that noise was about. I heard honking, and yelling. Someone yelling. So you were making friends out there,..
ALICE: Yeah, right.

Two hours later, I am seated at the kitchen table when I see that an orange cherry picker is bringing a guy up just outside my window. I mean, I am on the 8th floor and there are many apartments in this building, but Cherry Picker Guy has to park himself right in front of my very eyes. He's talking on the phone and bright lights are illuminating his workspace. This is what I'm wondering: What if Cherry Picker Guy has to go to the bathroom? What if he's hungry; he can see me cooking dinner. What are the etiquette rules in this situation, huh?

Well, maybe he just doesn't see me. Yeah, maybe. But then, he looks over and catches my eye and smiles and waves.

It's going to be a long night.