Sunday, October 22, 2006

Went Out to Buy Milk, but...

I was with Val all day yesterday. We had been walking around and had decided to visit a tiny store that only sold headwear and accessories. Val was seriously shopping for a hat but I was just playing around, trying on different ones on and running over to her and speaking in the voice of the character that would have worn such a hat. So I was Rocky--Bullwinkle's squirrel friend--Sherlock Holmes, Nanook, a 40's flapper, and a jockey, among others.

We were laughing and the owner of the shop was staring at us, displeased that we were not showing the proper reverence for the "toppers".

The last hat Val tried on was really cute and it looked great on her. A man standing next to us looked at Val and said that in that hat she reminded him of a certain celebrity.

ALICE: Oh. Who?
MAN: What's her name. You know. The one with the eyelashes.
VAL: You don't mean Liza Minelli, do you?
MAN: YEAH! That's her!

Val doesn't look even remotely like Liza. She doesn't even want to look like her. Remotely or not. She was rather insulted and decided not to buy the hat.

VAL: Why does that fool think I look like her?
ALICE: Oh, maybe because of the spikey eyelashes you wear?
VAL: Yeah. Or maybe because of the dependence I have on drugs and alcohol.
ALICE: Or maybe, just maybe, it's because of your unbridled need to be married to a gay man who makes a very good punching bag. Or so he says.

We were still laughing loudly as we headed for the door. The owner of the shop cleared her throat and caught our attention. She's probably going to say, have a good afternoon, I thought.

OWNER: Thank you, ladies, for visiting.

But she couldn't keep the fuck you and never come here again tone out of her voice.

So. We didn't belong in that store. We were contrite, really we were. Then we decided to go to another store where we really didn't belong: Prada.