Monday, September 11, 2006

Southern Romances

I went to visit friends in Gloucester, Virginia, and after a day spent picking blueberries, boating, and drinking shandies on the porch, a local friend of my hosts came to visit. He had been born and raised in Gloucester and had never left the area. He stood before us – a group of six – in a stance that left no doubt he was uncomfortable being with strangers. Lolly, trying to put him at ease (I think) smiled at him. And asked him questions. What kind? Oh, here’s a sample:

LOLLY: Ah, so Allan is it? Well, Allan, we would love to get to know you better so tell us: what is your essence?

Allan looked flabbergasted and his mouth moved in guppy-like puckers.

ALLAN: Well, my girlfriend says that I don’t talk much.
LOLLY: Ah. Not a talker.
ALLAN *thinking and puckering*: And ... she’s the boss.
LOLLY: What? Is she your boss? Or is she a bossy girlfriend?
ALLAN *puckering and thinking*: Yeah. She’s my boss. Not in a job, you know? Cuz I work for myself. But she’s the boss.

ALL OF US: Ah, yes, we get it.

ALICE: Where do you live?
ALLAN: Right next door. I have two horses that are riding horses and...that’s all.
ALICE: Well, that’s enough, no?
ALLAN: Yeah. I guess.

We stayed up very late talking, laughing and drinking, and my male host then told us that a month ago, he had put an ad in the pet section of the local paper. It seems that his guinea hen, Cesar, was pining for his wife, Marsha; she had been killed by a neighbor’s dog several months before. So since these hens are flock creatures, my friend wanted to end Cesar's suffering so the ad read: Widower Guinea is looking for two companions.

Apparently, the next day he answers a phone call from a woman who questions him about the “two” companions requirement. My friend insists that the guinea needs two. At least. Maybe more. Woman tsks and says that she really is not into threesomes, or group orgies.

MY FRIEND : WHAT! This is for a guinea hen! You know – a fowl!
WOMAN *disappointed*: Oh, well that was false advertising. I thought it was a gentleman.
MY FRIEND: It was in the PET section!
WOMAN: I’m just saying.

Later that day, my friend’s wife answers another call.

CALLER *quite brusquely*: Is he there?
CALLER: Aww. That’s alright. He don’t have to be afraid of me!

Well, my friend may have his pick of kinky, lusty Gloucester womenfolk, but poor Cesar is still a lonely bachelor.

And after spending some time with Allan, we found out it was true: he doesn't say much and his girlfriend IS bossy. And he does have two horses. And...that's all.

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