Saturday, August 19, 2006

Alea Iacta Est

Recipe for helping one spend an evening NOT THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING (O.K. someone) NOR FEELING WHAT SOMETHING DID (O.K. someone) to cause utter distress:

1. Share a Pink Flaming Pussy with three others, making sure that you drink, drink, and drink on an empty stomach.

2. Share ANOTHER Pink Flaming Pussy. This time have some Pu Pu Platter, too.

3. Share A THIRD BLOODY PINK FLAMING PUSSY, and eat some steak.

4. Have your tablemates give your name (without you noticing because after all there's still Pink Flaming Pussy to be consumed) to the emcee of the club where all the staff are beautiful women who are really men.

5. Find out that your name is called and you must go up on stage and join other women (real ones) who must do just one thing: give an 18-year-old boy/man a lap dance.

6. Glare at tablemates and vow silently to kill them all later. But gamely walk onstage and hope that you don't fall off the edge.

7. Listen to first woman on stage decide not to go through with lapdance and leave.

8. When your turn is next, listen to brain urging one to do the same thing and just leave.

9. Ignore brain and just mutter to oneself, “The die is cast, wtf” and then do the lap dance. No bits touched, thank you very much; it was an ersatz lapdance. I mean, he WAS 18 and...not cute.

10. Go to another bar later and drink something with vodka and cranberry juice.

11. Go home and throw up in the street on the way there. Oh yes, have son helping you home and holding back your hair. Very first time for this and son is proud that at least Mum is no longer a prude.

12. Feel like death and wonder why this all happened.

13. Realize that, what the hell, at least the evening sped by with no thoughts except staying upright and that’s a good thing.

This recipe works! Umm. Don’t have first hand knowledge, of course. It happened to… someone.