Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Love? In the Afternoon?

Tiggy and I are in her car heading to an acupuncturist. I've never been to one and I'm hoping this will be somewhat fun. If one could call being stuck with needles all over fun. We're talking in the car and she tells me that she's very tired. I tell her that I'm exhausted because the jackhammering outside my window last night kept me awake for MANY MANY HOURS. She also says that she's "hungry, how about you?"


We reach the office and have to fill out a form asking if we suffer from the usual things these forms always ask, including psychiatric illness. "Are you gonna check that one?" Tiggy asks, attempting a joke for the very first time in her life. Hmmm, I think. Maybe I should because after all I'm HERE WITH HER AND I REALLY REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO BE SO YES I AM ILL. I finish first and decide to read the small print. It says that some side effects could occur. Such as bleeding, pain, swelling, fainting, and syncope.

What? I look at Tiggy and tell her the happy news. I start reading out loud and reach the part where it says that these side effects could be triggered by nervousness, hunger, and tiredness! "Tiggy," I say, "we are SO SCREWED!" The nurse hears me, smiles, and asks if I am nervous. "I am now!" I yell at her.

Tiggy asks me what syncope is. I didn't know. Anyway, here comes the doctor and says," Who's first?" I quickly point to Tiggy and he smiles and invites her into his office. She glares at me and asks why she should be the guinea pig. I'm thinking that if she suffers from that syncope thingy, I would want to know what it was first before I went in. I am such a bad friend, but hey.

My turn. I meet the doctor who does not speak English very well, but he asks me what's wrong and I want to answer, "Wrong? Why Tiggy's very existence is wrong! She always has to include me in her craziness and won't take no for an answer!" Instead I say that oh, I just feel blah.

So he makes me lie down and pushes up my shirt and pulls down the waistband of my pants (yes, Sarah, I now regret wearing what you call my enormous knickers. Sigh) and pushes his fingers on my stomach really, really hard. He looks serious. He tells me that my immune system is very weak. "You can tell that by pushing on my stomach?" I say with a little laugh. He answers me by sticking needles on my checks and forehead and the top of my head. Oh yeah, on my stomach, too. Then he leaves for awhile. I feel like freaking Hellraiser!

When he returns many minutes later, he pulls out the needles and then pushes an implement all over my face that sounds like a stapler, but it seems to zap with electricity. Oww. Then, he gives me a tissue and tells me to hold it over my face. Why? Because there's blood coming from the pinprick holes. AAAAHHHHHH. Now, I am really worried that I will have that syncope thing, whatever it is. Once on my stomach, I feel him put something on my back, not a needle, but something, and away he goes for more minutes. He tells me that it's to help my back pain. Of course I didn't have pain BEFORE he touched me, but whose quibbling.

He returns, pulls off the thing on my back, and then rubs some vile smelly liquid on my back, neck, and gets alot of it in my hair. I smell REVOLTING. Come back Saturday, he says. O.K., I say but I'm thinking NO FUCKING WAY.

Once, I'm home I find out that the suction thingy that was on my back has left a circular, red mark on my back. In addition to everything else, I now have what looks like an enormous hickey on my back.

The strange thing is, I do feel better. I also looked up syncope. It means fainting spell. So the side effect could be fainting or fainting. Go figure.

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