Travels with Myself

Went to New York City and for the train ride, Eva pressed a book into my hands. She said that I could finish it in one read. Great! I love to read, especially on trains. But there was a problem. The title of this book? Spontaneous Human Combustion. Yes, yes, that's the title and it IS about people just bursting into flames and dying. It wasn't a joke book either. Rather a scholarly and well-documented look at this, um, mysterious occurrence.

Alice: Uh, Eva?

Eva: Yes, dear.

Alice: Uh, this seems to be a really strange book for me to be enjoying on the train. I mean it's about people dying. Horrifically.

Eva: Oh, it seems like you wouldn't want to read such a book, but it really is an interesting subject, don't you think? Don't worry, dear, you'll love it. And you don't have to return it. Keep it for your library.

Alice: Uh. Thanks?

I glanced at the chapters. One was called A History of Incineration. Another was Heated Exchanges. There was also May the Force be Within You. I did not take this book with me on the train.

When I returned to Washington, DC, I was riding the metro and saw an advertisement on the wall that I had seen once before. It reminded riders not to forget to take their teeth when they left the train. It went on to say that we would be surprised what people leave behind in their rush to get off the train. Surprised? That doesn't even come close. I mean, teeth?

All I know is that DC is uber strict about not allowing metro riders to bring food, candy, drinks, whatever, on the trains. The police get very antagonized if they even see you chew gum.

See, that's the problem. That attitude is so whacked. The way I see it, if people WERE allowed to eat while they ride, then the teeth would be so busy chewing, they couldn't be left to ride to the end of the line. I'm just saying.