Thursday, August 31, 2006

Dick and Jane

I was waiting for the real estate agent to come by, so I passed the time by reading my email. I was thinking that well, maybe there'll be something there that will change my life 360...

Only one email: Proven-Pe:nisGro:wth, it said. Add:in:chesin:weeks, it continued.

Hmm, that would be a fuckmazing life change.

My friend Jane was over and she saw the email.

Jane: Umm. ( a little cough) Why do you get emails like THAT?

Alice: Isn't it obvious? Message Central thinks I'm a man.

Jane (looking at me as if I'm to blame): Well, why don't you tell them that you are not a man?

Alice: Them? Who should I tell?

Jane (with a don't-take-that-tone-with-me-young-lady look): Obviously, the PEOPLE WHO THINK YOU'RE A MAN!

Alice: Whatever. It's just computer-generated shit. No one is saying well, let me just tell this guy with the teeny wiener that I can change his life and make teeny into mighty!

Jane (sniffing): I never thought you would be a give-upinsky!

Alice (astounded): Give-upinsky? Where the hell did that come from?

Jane: Look, this, this, uninformed email thinks you're a man ⎯ a man with a small, um, er....

Alice: (trying to be really helpful): Dick?

Just then, we notice three people in the room with us. Oh, yeah, the real estate agent has a key.

Agent (looking askance): Bad time?

Jane (looking...askance): I don't live here!

Alice (looking...not askance): No, no. Come in. We were just working on a...a...a script that we're writing. Right Jane?

She nods furiously, but she’s drinking from a can of soda so she manages to spray Coke on her face.

Agent: Oh? Ah, splendid. What's it about?

Jane is giving me a please don’t be crazy look, though she’s the one who looks loca because, after all, soda is dripping off her face and all. She tries to answer before I do. You know, cut me off at the pass so no harm is done.

Jane: Well, see, it’s about…

She has to give up trying to explain. She also is a product of Catholic schools, and lying is not something she knows how to do well. I, too, have always been a very bad liar, but I figured that if I’m very flamboyant in my ersatz lies, they might be believable. They never have, of course, but still I soldier on with this conceit.

Alice: It's about hot man-on-man sex.

Agent: AH. Splendid, splendid. That sounds very, um, very… creative, yes?

Alice: Yeah, well, it pays the rent.

They never bothered to tour the house. Jane left with them. See Jane run.